Welcome Scaries #16 😈
Plus a New Moon Ritual 🌚 + a Reader Survey !
Welcome Scaries started as a monthly letter sent on the first Sunday of each month because so many of us feel unsettled on Sunday nights in anticipation of the coming week and all we have to do. The intention is to offer your difficult feelings—your Scaries—kindness, instead of fighting with them, resenting them, or trying to get rid of them. This traditional method of befriending emotions comes from an old story about how the Buddha invited his enemy to tea rather than trying to defeat him.
The Scary I’ve been struggling with the most lately is Interpersonal Conflict. I imagine this is a familiar one to you, too, because all of us have moments of discord, frustration, and disagreement with another person. In my case, it’s with a family member, and that means our relationship carries old history, a few resentments, love and joy, as well as sadness and hurt feelings. After a dissatisfying phone conversation with them last week, I was so unsettled that I decided to take a walk to our local park.
It was a pleasant sunny day, and when I got there, I sat on a bench and closed my eyes. But all I could see and hear and feel was why I was right, the tension in my chest, and a big knot of misunderstanding in my belly. I had an urge to get up and leave but instead I just sat there and said to myself, “Kim, it’s okay and you’re okay.” I breathed in deeply and exhaled even more deeply, and after about ten minutes, I started to notice a pleasant breeze on my arms. And I heard noisy busy birds. And the kids in the playground playing in the sprinkler and shrieking with delight. And the annoying talk radio program someone was playing loudly on their phone. I unexpectedly thought “No matter what I’m feeling, this is a perfect summer day”, and I felt myself relax just a little bit.
You’ll notice that I didn’t try to get rid of the Interpersonal Conflict Scary, even though I really did wish it would just disappear. Instead, I allowed myself to experience it and include it with everything else that was happening too. This is what Buddhist teachers mean when they suggest “making space” for all of our experiences — the good, bad, and boring. Because if you can make space for more than just resentment, excitement, yearning, or anxiety, you’ll feel more balanced, less afraid, and less helpless. You’ll be able to see that you have blessings and struggles, discern the reality of what’s happening, and respond to it with kindness and wisdom, instead of impulsively reacting or rejecting.
So, my dear friends and readers, if you’re suffering with this Scary or any Sunday Scary tonight, don’t forget it’s not all of who and what you are right now. Set your devices aside for a few minutes and put your hand on your heart. Remember someone who offered you kindness in the past — the time that your sister rubbed your back when you were sick, your boss gave you a funny birthday card, your son hugged you — and let yourself receive their love. You can imagine hearing them say to you, “May you be open and easy. May you be free.” After a few minutes, notice any sounds or sensations and just receive them, too. Finally, say to yourself, “May I be open and easy. May I be free.” Repeat hourly.
→ Read all the Sunday Scaries in the Meditation with Heart archive!
Friends, when this letter began a few years ago, there were less than 1000 readers, mostly students or friends or friends of friends. Today there are ~4,000 of you (!) and I want to know you! What are your hopes? What are you struggling with? Do you meditate? Do you want to learn to meditate? And most importantly, how can I support you? So I’ve created a little survey and I really hope you’ll take a couple minutes to tell me who you are!
As a thank-you for your time, two people who take the survey will receive a free copy of one of my books, Navigating Grief and Loss or Steady, Calm, and Brave (your choice)!
The survey will end on August 31st.
And now for this month’s positive and useful links and exercises. May they be of benefit:
→ The Ocean is a Mystery: I thought that humans had explored everywhere but I recently learned that 95% of the world ocean is unknown! That’s pretty exciting—that means there are countless creatures we have yet to meet and so much to learn about so many others. Including blue whales! Until recently we didn’t even know where or how they reproduce, but thanks to the researchers of the 'Whales and Dolphins of Timor-Leste’ project, we know more than ever about these majestic creatures. You can see see them resting, playing, courting, and taking care of their babies in these amazing videos. May all water beings be safe and protected and live with joy!
→ DharmaStack : Meditation teacher Maia Duerr has compiled a list of Buddhist-related publications on Substack! She’s included many talented teachers and writers and posted them on her own thoughtful and wonderful letter, The Practice of Life. I hope you’ll look and subscribe. View the list here.
→ Joren’s New Moon Practice: For ages, my friend Joren has been encouraging me to tell the Universe my wishes on the new moon. It’s a way to strengthen your intention and direct your actions to bring about favorable conditions for yourself. I’ve resisted doing this because I thought it was too new age-y but then I realized that I don’t want to do it because I don’t like asking for what I want! It’s always made me feel a little embarrassed and makes me feel like I’m sure to be disappointed. But when I went on retreat last month it felt like an auspicious time to try it. Not surprisingly, the first few requests were for other people (I want Mike to be happy, I wish Lori will be healthy and easy :) ). But I managed to write a few for myself and it was very useful. It helped me hear myself and my aspirations and goals, and understand that it’s okay to have them.
You can try it today, because there is a new moon on Sunday, August 4, beginning at 7:15amEST. Joren’s instructions are:
Handwrite 10 new moon wishes today, before Monday at 11am. Please add "with ease" or "easily" to each wish; for example, “I want to renovate my apartment easily,” or “I wish to find a new job with ease”. Much love and peace to all. Also Mercury goes retrograde on Monday.
→ Peace is Possible: I know that peace seems so far away sometimes but war doesn’t magically appear and it’s not inevitable. It is created by many causes—political, historical, and social — and all these conditions can be changed. Each of us can contribute to a world free from war by eliminating our own hatred, fear, ignorance, greed, and delusion, and then we can act with wisdom and compassion to bring about change. I hope you’ll take time to meditate, chant, or pray to support yourself. Today’s prayers are from an organization called World Vision. They offer Prayers for People in Conflict Zones an excerpt is below. (Note you can change the words! If you don’t believe in God or Jesus, substitute Buddha or Allah, or if you’re a non-believer like me, use Universe. The intention is to incline your own mind to clarity and kindness!)
Our world is full of hurting people and nations torn apart by war and violence. Please protect, comfort, and heal children and women and men who face unspeakable loss and profound emotional and physical challenges. Unite us in pursuing a world where all can thrive in Your peace, mercy, and abundance.
Okay that’s it for our August edition of Welcome Scaries! May you know your blessings and share them with all you encounter. May we have peace with ourselves, with each other, and peace with the world. May it be so!
Take it light.
Metta+++,
Kim✨
Kimberly, Loved how you showed us exactly how to feel all our feelings and let now in, too.