Sunday Scaries #12
You Do You Edition
It’s the April edition of Welcome Scaries! I started sharing this monthly letter because so many of us experience dreadful foreboding, creeping malaise, or maybe just a little bit of nervousness on Sunday nights in anticipation of the coming work and school week and all we have to do. It’s an invitation to offer our difficult feelings—our Scaries—kindness, instead of fighting with them, resenting them, or trying to get rid of them.This idea of befriending your feelings comes from an old story about how the Buddha invited his enemy to tea rather than trying to defeat him (you can read it in Welcome Scaries #1).
My sneakiest Scary—and perhaps yours, too—is the one that tells me that I should be a different person. That if only I didn’t have my struggles, limitations, and inclinations, I’d be happy. It says that I should be more social and not such a homebody even though I enjoy it; I should be more unconventional and radical instead of an ordinary, married, middle-aged woman; and suggests that if I really cared about the world I’d risk my life to save elephants in Thailand or go to protests regularly. This Scary believes that success, popularity, and contentment could be mine—if only I would change myself entirely.
But what this painful and confused feeling doesn’t understand, is the truth about me, and all of us. The truth is that each of us are the result of countless causes and conditions—from family and societal and genetic and environmental influences that contribute to and create our physical health, personality, talents, and our emotional make-up. The way my life has unfolded is not entirely up to me — and the way your life has unfolded is not entirely up to you.
The late Zen teacher, Roshi Bernie Glassman, often talked about this. He described the conditions of our lives — both internal and external, as ingredients. He encouraged us to “Take the ingredients you have and make the best meal you can.” He wanted all of us to pay attention to our talents, resources, skills, and intentions, and then use them skillfully to create not the life we think we should have, but the real best life that is possible for ourselves, and share it with others too. And of course, to remember that our ingredients will change over time. We can foster those that are most useful, and develop and perfect them with our patience, love, and care so we can use them to make new meals in the future.
So, now when the Scary of You-Should-Be-A-Different-Person visits my mind, I take a minute to acknowledge their presence and recognize they’re a part me that I don’t have to reject or believe. I take a few deep breaths, and sometimes I even say, “I see you Scary, have a seat here on the couch with me.” Then I bring my attention to what is real—my senses, my heart and mind, my friends and family. I let myself appreciate the blessings I have right now, and say silently to myself, “May I accept myself as I am. May I be open to the unfolding of life.” Then I think of someone I don’t like very much, and say to them, “May you accept yourself as you are. May you be open to the unfolding of life.” Finally I imagine everyone I know and all the strangers in the world and say, “May we accept ourselves as we are. May we accept each other as we are. May we all be open to the unfolding of life.”
→ Read all the Sunday Scaries in the Meditation with Heart archive!
Here’s our monthly Sunday Scaries roundup of links to help balance our minds and encourage us to remember our loving connection with each other and our eco-system Earth:
→ More evidence that humans aren’t horrible: Self-loathing and blame are pretty popular right now but the truth is a lot more complicated. In a new study of CCTV footage from three countries (the Netherlands, UK, and South Africa), evidence showed that strangers will intervene to help victims in a public fight 90% of the time. Via the Good News Network, you can read more here.
→ Letter Writing for Grief workshop. My friend, teacher and artist Nicolás Dumit Estévez Raful Espejo Ovalles, invites you to use “old-fashioned letter-writing as a channel to heal, remember, and gather parts of yourself that may have been relegated to oblivion.” Online, April 17, 3:00pm - 4:30pm. Learn more and sign up at this link.
→ “Venting” isn’t useful: Angrily complaining and loudly sharing your frustration about a situation isn’t going to make you feel better! And it drives your friends and family crazy too, believe me. Dr. Samantha Boardman who writes the wonderful newsletter, The Dose, shares more effective ways to manage upset, in her recent Substack here.
→ Doctors without Borders: My niece and I have been supporters of this amazing organization for several decades. Led by medical volunteers from many different countries, they work under the harshest and most dangerous conditions in the world to save lives. Their work in Gaza right now is especially heartbreaking. Learn more here.
→ Peace is Possible: But it requires that all of us understand its root causes and create the conditions for it to thrive and flourish. Read more here.
→ Bloom Scrolls: Seek out the good, the wholesome, the light—that which is blooming in the world. Please send me your favorite Blooms so I can share them!
Endangered Language Alliance - Did you know there are more endangered languages in and around New York City right now than have ever existed anywhere in the world? The ELA is a non-profit that documents and supports dying languages to save the wisdom of communities and cultures for all of us.
Virunga National Park - It’s three thousand square miles large and home to one-third of the world’s endangered Mountain Gorillas, and more than one thousand other species. Virunga’s eight-hundred incredibly brave Park Rangers risk their lives (dozens have been killed and even more wounded by poachers) to patrol and protect one of Earth’s most amazing places.
Okay friends, that’s a wrap for tonight’s Sunday Scaries newsletter! I hope you’re able to view the eclipse tomorrow (wear your glasses please!) — I’ll be watching with my neighbors at our local park. Also don’t forget my next Healing Grief Program will meet for four Wednesday evenings in May — please share with anyone you know who might benefit.
Post your experiences, stories and links in the comments below — and your Bloom Scrolling recommendations — to help all of us create the conditions for an easy and happy work week.
May we delight in our measure of well-being and share it with our friends, our community, our enemies, and the world. May our words and actions create a healthy environment for all who live in our eco-system Earth.
Metta+++,
Kim✨
So much time spent thinking if I could just be like her, or them, etc. my life would be so much better. But if I was someone else I’d miss out on all the joy that belongs to me. A daughter I love and adore, a family I love and a best friend I wouldn’t want to live without. I think it’s okay being exactly me. In fact it’s pretty awesome. Thank you Kimberly for sharing your wisdom ♥️