Lost and Found
Come back to yourself, again and again
Last weekend I was glad to spend time in the peaceful beauty of small town New England. Which was a relief because the week before I was embarrassingly dissatisfied with everything about my life — my writing, my body, my residence, even choices I made fifteen years ago. I was caught — tightly attached to stories and ideas about what I don’t like and don’t want, frustrated that the poor air quality in NYC from the Canadian wildfires prevented me from running and kept me in my apartment. I felt stuck and bored and mad, and tried to find someone or something to blame where I could direct my anger — cars and fossil fuels, Mayor Adams, poor forest management, my family — but I didn’t feel any better and in fact, I felt worse.
Even after decades of meditation practice and years of teaching mindfulness and compassion, I still sometimes get lost in delusion, aversion, and neediness — and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the practice isn’t working or I’m doing something wrong, it just means that habit and conditioning are powerful. Luckily, I know that no matter how long it takes, I can — we all can — find ourselves. We can pay attention to what’s happening inside, and bring kindness and openness to our struggles. That’s why one of the Buddhist words for mindfulness, (sati in Pali, smrti in Sanskrit), is translated as to remember, to recollect. Because all humans need to remind ourselves over and over and over again to pay attention to what’s really happening in our senses and our hearts. When I finally did, I realized the truth was that my frustration wasn’t coming from outside of me, but rather from inside of me. This insight meant that I could now address the real cause of my suffering — rejecting and trying to get rid of my dissatisfaction.
I used this practice which you can try too. I sat down at my desk in my bedroom and put my devices aside. I closed my eyes and felt the air conditioner on my skin and the sound of the ceiling fan. Then I put my hand on my heart and noticed my impatience and felt tightness in my chest and saw the painful, made-up stories I was telling myself. I said to myself, “let go”, and inhaled and exhaled deeply for a few minutes. Then I said to myself silently, “May my confusion transform to wisdom, and my suffering to compassion.” Anytime my mind veered into images, ideas, or grievances, I gently came back to the air on my skin and my breathing, and began silently repeating the phrase again. I concluded by saying, “May all struggling beings (including me) be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May it be so!”
What’s Happening
Both of my books are available at all the booksellers, and I hope you’ll consider getting copies for yourself or to give as gifts. Also, Navigating Grief and Loss could (still) use your support on Amazon and Goodreads. The algorithm starts recommending a book at 50 reviews and it only has 18, (thank you reviewers!), so if the book was useful to you, please post a review. If you do, let me know and I’ll send you a personalized bookmark with thanks!
New Yorkers! Come and see me in person this summer! I’ll be at the Rubin Museum on July 13, 1-1:45pm for Lunchtime Mindfulness, and at Socrates Sculpture Garden with Mindful Astoria on July 25 and August 8 from 7-8pm.
One thing I know for sure is that meditation works. If you want to learn how to meet yourself with kindness, steady your mind during difficulty and stress, and become aware of the habits and beliefs that prevent you from recognizing your value and wisdom, let’s talk. You can schedule a free consultation with me at this link.
Another thing I know for sure: you can build your relationships by practicing lovingkindness meditation with your family and friends. I can help you strengthen bonds, reconnect with distant loved ones, and let go of grievances and struggles. We meet via Zoom for an hour—weekly, monthly, or whenever works best for your group. More info here.
Subscribers! I’ll share a guided audio meditation with you again next week.
Gladden Your Mind
I’m reading a wonderful new book, A Future We Can Love: How We Can Reverse the Climate Crisis with the Power of Our Hearts and Minds by Susan Bauer-Wu. If you feel as discouraged by the seeming inevitability of environmental destruction as I do, the conversations with wise teachers and experts will help you recognize that you can contribute and impact the future in more ways than you realize. You can read an excerpt here and buy the book here.
Share Your Blessings
May all those human beings who are in the hospital today — recovering from surgery, healing from an illness, dying in hospice, newborn and recovering from giving birth, in the ER because of an accident, being treated for cancer, COVID, or any other disease — may all be peaceful and happy. May everyone in every hospital throughout the world be free from mental and physical suffering, be at ease, and be healed and safe from harm. May our actions contribute to the well-being of all. Sabbe sattā sukhi hontu. May it be so!
Metta+++,
Kim✨
Thanks for this Kimberly. I completely relate to this post. I had the kind of week you described this past week. Those doggone stories. And the purposely pugilistic narrator! That someone or something to blame really hit me where I live. _/|\_
Thank you for this timely post. It’s good to be reminded that even though we practice mindfulness and meditation for years, sometimes we forget it all. I lost my centre today and was angry and irritable because of the rain keeping me indoors, because I’m in England and I don’t want to be, and a whole host of other silly little things. Then the sun came out and I went for a good long walk, saw a hare basking in the sunshine, clouds billowing over the mountains, and found my way back to peace.